i hit the ground running
i pounded my fists on the earth until it cracked
rage was my mother, my father, my brothers and sisters
for my discontent
i ground coal in to diamonds
emerged from the pits
a dirty bastard monster
with spite foaming from my mouth
for this they flayed me
wore me while wearing me down
broke me down
and shackled me
until you see me today
and full of rage
I think as a teenager we feel the angst, most of all, and it moves us to attempt to forge ourselves from the raw molten material of the not-child-not-adult. I think we get angry at ourselves, others, and maybe some just don’t feel any pressure at all.
I wonder what that would be like, with no pressure. I honestly don’t think I would survive, for as much as I loathe it, I have developed an addiction to pressure. I only really feel satisfied when I’m up against a big problem, you know? Like when something is weighing me down.
I guess I enjoy thinking that I’m a bit of a conundrum, like a chinese proverb or something. I’m not really, and it’s probably because I’m in the beginning throes and woes of an achy sickness that I’m saying this. I always wanted to be like my big brother theorb77. When he drew, his skill was such that I wanted to draw, too. I learned I had some skill at it, and when I felt I had drawn enough, I stopped. theorb77 also programmed on computers. He and Big Brother liked computers and game consoles. I am 3 years younger than my brother theorb77 and yet I think we’ve reached a good place. I don’t feel that I’m ready to accept that he might be sick with something serious, and I don’t like to see him depressed or upset. I am 8 years younger than my brother Big Brother, and I haven’t seen him in a long time. I was really impressed that he was learning to use 3d modelling and animation packages, since this has been a keen interest of mine for some time. I actually kind of wrote a 3d animation package, technically.
I was relating to Darth Yoshi and Meryl that Big Brother and I used to play Double Dragon II a lot. That game has a very complex combat setup for a D-pad and 2 button console game. I think I did pretty good, actually, and found the game to be almost enjoyable. I think the combat needs to be fixed because it’s hard to get out of the rythm of getting your assed kicked by Taco John or the Governator. But hey, what did game developers know about Q and A back then? The cutscenes were bad dialogue and sprites. Goddamn those were the days.
I was thinking about how all you know as a teenager is discontent and angst, and often, their bastard cousin Depression shows up and wants to throw around the pigskin. That’s life when you’re a teenager. I think you stop being a teenager when you see a teenager and say, “What the hell is that kid wearing?”
Well this has all been a clever attempt to just dump my brain on here when I’m in a vein of pissiness. The result probably reads something like Catcher in the Rye, but most of you probably haven’t read it. They said that it was controversial so I had to read it. I muddled through it, not getting why it inspires such hushed whispers about the content.
I was lucky enough to read some of Bob Dylan’s poetry when I was a lad, and I came across what I consider to be the best goddamn definition of angst EVER.
Your problem is that you wanna better word for world