A Mountain Too Big

What would you call the part of the equation that you can’t see?

I was reflecting on how there are no real freedoms in life, somewhere between saying ‘caraffe’ instead of ‘pot’ and driving home after a very, very exhausting day at work.

I don’t blog very often, and I was thinking about this over the past week; it’s because I am afraid to. I don’t like the notion that people might judge what I have to write, or that my thoughts would be spat upon the Internet like so much filth.

I just don’t care to prove what others think, or that I secretly find my own thoughts so ridiculous that I wouldn’t dare share them with the general populous. The point is that I care a great deal about how I’m perceived by others. At times I’ve been criticized for my actions and my approach to problems, and it’s taken a real toll on how I feel about how I act.

I guess in some circles they’d call that bad self esteem.

I wouldn’t call it that, because I don’t often fall victim to the same dreadful bouts of depression that so many of my kin fall prey to. I don’t allow myself to venture in to that most dark and unpleasant of lands, because I try not to be at conflict with myself. It would be hard for me to describe the process, except that I trimmed away things that did not belong – I stopped listening to the propaganda that I was not right, and I felt more right, and each step away from the hateful slimy things has felt like I am shedding a diseased and rotten shell.

I look around the world today and I see the same conflict that I felt within myself. I see madness – people clutching to their sicknesses and diseases as though the expect the embrace to cure them. I see broken people, shackled to doubt and fear.

This life can be a prison, if you let it be. You see these limitations around yourself, you press against them and then you get used to them. Finally, you need them.

Some days, the way things are makes me so upset. What angers me most is that one day I was full of opportunity and no ambition, and the next I was full of ambition and few opportunities. Still, you must soldier forward. The world didn’t come this far for you to just quit, did it?