Tonight is one of those dark nights when I wonder what the hell is it that I’m trying to do with my life.
I have these great moments of great production and I have even greater faillures where I am just disgusted with who I am.
Today I felt renewed in purpose, but miserable all the same. I can’t talk, or yell so much, so common speech is just too hard for me to push out. It’s frustrating.
And yet, at the same time, liberating.
I’ve upset Sukie without even saying much, just tons of attitude, layered on. I get remarks from all kinds of people as to what kind of person I’ve married, and that I must be a pretty ‘laxed person to take it all in stride. Yeah, sure. She gets to deal with all my crap, too, you know. And there’s a lot of it. When I’m not happy in this relationship I don’t talk about it, instead I resort to a silent disconnection from her and our commitment to each other.
I guess I can see tonight where I get THAT from, but I’ve really come a long way to reconciling the two Wudans (as I’ve come to term my split-personality behavior) in to one streamlined process.
So why don’t I get more slack? There are times when you need some slack, and people don’t give it to you – at all. It’s like being denied permission to use the bathroom or something – there are times when you just need to breathe and sit.
I really don’t know where I’m going with this post at all. I hate it when Sukie is mad at me, and I hate it because there are times when that’s all she does is get mad at me.
Let me clarify – Sukie is my whole world. How she feels towards me greatly impacts what I want to do, and I would do anything to make her happy. It really sucks because I know it’s not healthy to feel this way and develop this level of dependency, but I don’t really care. She’s my world, not yours.
There ain’t no sunshine when she’s flashing those storm-cloud eyes.
That line ain’t from a poem, but it should be. It could be considered a riff of the ‘Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone’ song.