@Wudan07

Ah, the blog.

Well, I gotta tell you, I sure don’t feel like blogging. Lately, I feel the shadow of faillure looming over my head – but why so suddenly? My brain feels slower, and my voice still goes out as the day wears on. I feel the skin on the backs of my hands itching, and I feel sad.

I have such an imperfect existence.

Well, it ain’t all that bad. The parts I don’t like I can change, I think.

Aren’t there times when it all just seems to be too much? I feel like I’m in a jam that I can’t get out of. I feel like I should be making progress when I ain’t.

I think mostly I’m just really really really freaking tired right now.

Ok, so it’s been a few days. Sukie and I are getting along great, we should be getting a car sometime next week. A new one. Sukie’s excited.

Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of programming lately. And I’ve been ignoring my schoolwork until the last second. But, yeah, only 2 weeks left. Then it’s a week off, and then back in the mix again. Statistics is especially frustrating, since there seem to be huge gaps in the teaching. I spent two hours scratching my head about where they were pulling values from, when it turns out they were using a table in the back of the book. FRUSTRATING.

Anyway, Sukie went apeshit on the kitchen. It’s really looking good. I cleaned the living room, which we’re going to rearrange soon anyway.

Theorb called, he’s coming over. Cool. I was afraid I’d upset him recently since he’s seemed so distant lately. Then again, he’s got a ton of stuff to worry about right now.

I really liked programming, especially since I got a lot done.

Tonight is one of those dark nights when I wonder what the hell is it that I’m trying to do with my life.

I have these great moments of great production and I have even greater faillures where I am just disgusted with who I am.

Today I felt renewed in purpose, but miserable all the same. I can’t talk, or yell so much, so common speech is just too hard for me to push out. It’s frustrating.

And yet, at the same time, liberating.

I’ve upset Sukie without even saying much, just tons of attitude, layered on. I get remarks from all kinds of people as to what kind of person I’ve married, and that I must be a pretty ‘laxed person to take it all in stride. Yeah, sure. She gets to deal with all my crap, too, you know. And there’s a lot of it. When I’m not happy in this relationship I don’t talk about it, instead I resort to a silent disconnection from her and our commitment to each other.

I guess I can see tonight where I get THAT from, but I’ve really come a long way to reconciling the two Wudans (as I’ve come to term my split-personality behavior) in to one streamlined process.

So why don’t I get more slack? There are times when you need some slack, and people don’t give it to you – at all. It’s like being denied permission to use the bathroom or something – there are times when you just need to breathe and sit.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this post at all. I hate it when Sukie is mad at me, and I hate it because there are times when that’s all she does is get mad at me.

Let me clarify – Sukie is my whole world. How she feels towards me greatly impacts what I want to do, and I would do anything to make her happy. It really sucks because I know it’s not healthy to feel this way and develop this level of dependency, but I don’t really care. She’s my world, not yours.

There ain’t no sunshine when she’s flashing those storm-cloud eyes.

That line ain’t from a poem, but it should be. It could be considered a riff of the ‘Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone’ song.

Ok, theorb wants a play by play of paintball. But first, let me tell you about his visit to my house last Saturday night.

He brought Antigone’s younger brother over to visit and play some games and we were chilling in my living room. To set the stage for disaster and anger, let me describe the scene to you:

theorb is sitting in the middle of the couch, I’m just to his right. Antig’s younger brother is sitting on the ground to the left of theorb. theorb, trying to be entertaining (since the brother and I were both getting bored) decides he’s going to spice things up.

He turns his head towards me.

“Want to see something cool?” he asks me.

I opened my mouth to say, “Sure,” but I never make it that far.

The next thing I know, my coffee table is sent flying in the air at least 2 feet of the ground. Drinks, and a newly acquired Where’s Waldo puzzle are sent in the air, because they were on the (now) airborne coffee table. Drinks spill on the ground.

I say something to the effect of, “What the hell are you doing!?” I freaked out a little. To his credit, theorb cleaned up the spillage and whatnot, but he was freaked out a bit, as was the brother.

It turns out, it all happened because theorb has girly reflexes. The brother grabbed his leg as a funny gesture, which caused theorb to spaz out and send the coffee table flying through the air, which caused me to spiral out of control.

So really, the whole thing was pretty damn funny – like an Incredible Machine, idiot style. (For my part, I initially freaked out because, to my perception, the ‘something cool’ he was going to show me was that he could send my coffee table flying through the air with his foot.)

Paintball play by play later. Maybe.

Guess who’s back? Back again? Come on, guess!

Anyway:

Time is a matter of energy

Unused power is a waste of space

I could be your number one fan

You just name the time and place

The blogging hit parade continues. So, today this post comes to you from my Mac. I’ve finally admitted ownership of it. It’s cool, and at work, it gives me access to vital UNIX commands.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to Antigone. Theorb77 tells me that he and Antigone are moving down to the SL Valley at the start of October. That sounds fantastic!

Oh, and that reminds me – Theorb and I had a fun little fight. The sprinklers were on at Antigone’s parent’s house and Sukie had the idea that we should take this towel that Antig’s brother had and find a way to toss it at Theorb. So, Antig’s bro told Theorb to come outside and say goodbye to us since we were leaving. I chased him down and tossed it at him, and Sukie had the getaway vehicle prepped and ready to go.

So, there I was, prepared to jump in to the car and Sukie was bringing the car up. Theorb had the weapon in his possession and was closing in kinda fast. So, Sukie drove RIGHT past! Theorb had a pretty clear shot and he did get me 🙁

Sukie and I have been having water fights almost every day – it’s just crazy how many water fights we’ve been having lately. I think we’ve chilled out about them finally.

In what can only be described as a Blogging miracle, this will be my 4th post in 3 days. Wowzers.

Anyway, enough about blogging for blogging sakes. Last night my good buddy Striker came over. I was sleeping off a headache when he came over but he, Sukie, and myself stayed up pretty late watching stuff my TiVo had caught.

Since I had a good long nap earlier, when it was time to retire for the evening, I wasn’t sleepy – So I cracked open the Mac and set up shop in the kitchen – writing code.

I learned a few cool things that’ll make porting my Mac code to Windows super easy, and I really had fun writing the code. I really enjoy coding and it sucks that it’ll take me a while to get my skills to the level where I can do it professionally.

But it’s cool. I did some grassy terrain stuff the other day and my boy said it looked REAL. He was seriously in some kinda shock or something 🙂

Love the boy, love my wife, love to write code 🙂

Ah, the poem with the world ending was The Hollow Men. It’s really quite interesting. Once I mimicked this style fairly well, but that poem is lost now.

Unless theorb knows where the old 87 mb harddrive is at.

Every once in a while a lyric or stanza of a poem comes along and it burrows in to my head and stays there.

Today I read the lines I can’t beleive your song is gone so soon / I barely learned the tune, and they’re probably going to kick around for a while. This line is by Paul Simon.

Previous ‘sticky stanzas’ include one from Carl Sandburg: What was the name you called me?— / And why did you go so soon? (the ‘/’ is poetry shorthand for a newline – which is geek shorthand for carriage return – which is …. oh nevermind.)

Oh yeah, and then there’s that T.S. Eliott poem, that ends with the world ending … that one’s good.

My abs are furious.

In the week in a half that I’ve been trying to work on them I’ve tripled my krunch output. Two nights ago I doubled it to 150, last night I did 225. Of course, it was on one of those huge balls, so my back doesn’t hurt (which is something that’s always happened when I do krunches.)

Anyway, my abs are feeling much more solid and the flabby buffer that they’ve been under for the last 4 or 5 years is wearing down. Pants are feeling looser. I’m feeling good.

I’ve decided that I will focus on my abs until they are exactly where I want them to be. Then I’ll focus on my chest and arms, and side and back muscles, focussing on each until they are exactly where I want them before moving on to the next.

I’m going paintballing next Sunday, and I’m freaking ecstatic. I really want to get some upgrades for my gun to complete it’s transmogrification. I enjoyed making what changes I have made, the process was a lot like tuning up code – every time I make it better, I like it more. It’s more fun to shoot, run and dodge.

We’re going out to a wooded area that some guy owns and it’s apparently really awesome. They don’t have a chronograph though, which can cause issues for me, since the balls are flying so fast.

Of course, since I’ll be the only one playing with Air (and not CO2) my output will be extremely consistent, and I’ll be able to outshoot any of the guys out there. Since I’ll get my own paintballs before going, I think my strategy might be based on VOLUME.

Sigh. Not that you care.

Anyway, this morning traffic was bad, so I took the exit past where I normally get off to go to work. When I passed it, I heard on the radio that the traffic light down there was out, and so I guess I just had a good instinct and followed it. Since I took a backroad in, I saw horses … and a train … and a boxy looking semi parked out in the middle of a field. How odd.